My Everyday Truth

Allow me to be blunt, I am not a happy person. I haven't been a happy person for the last eight years. I act happy sometimes. I try to be happy. It doesn't always work out. I've given into the fact that I probably won't be truthfully happy. I just live my life day-to-day. I find that this may confuse people since most of the time in front of people I seem okay. In reality I'm just a series of moods that go from one extreme to the other. I never know what mood I'll be in most of the time. Some days I'm in a content mood and other days I'm just irrationally angry or sad.


These last two days I've been feeling pretty angry. Irrationally so. It's been difficult keeping it in control. I haven't really wanted to talk to anyone. I've tried covering it up but it just keeps bubbling it up. I've never been able to explain why I get like this but I just do. The last two days I've woken up angry and then gone to sleep with this need to cry. I reflect on my life and these emotions just bubble up. There are so many thoughts going through my head that just makes me feel this way.

I live with this everyday and I try to deal with it the best I can. If it affects others negatively, I'm sorry. I can't help myself some days. I do my best but it's so hard. I'm sorry if anyone I know is unintentionally, negatively affected by my attitude during this. Especially when I go into major isolation mode. During that time I want no contact with anyone. I just want to be left alone in my sanctuary with no one bothering me.

I wish people could understand. I want people to understand. I'm sure there are people who will be confused by this considering how I only show myself to others seeming to be okay but that's not always the case. I'm sad all the time. I just hide it well behind the good days. And I don't allow it to affect my happiness for others. just because I'm sad doesn't mean I'm not happy for the people I care about. I found this great quote that sums up my outlook.

I can't begin to tell you how true this quote is for me. This is a truth I deal with everyday of my life. I'm not a cold, rude, bitch like some people may think. I just have all these issues that I haven't gotten a handle on yet. And for that I'm sorry.

It actually feels good to explain it a bit. This blog has been helping me in so many ways. Anyway, I hope people can understand.