My Mental Health, My Journey

So, a while back on Facebook to family and friends I mentioned that I would share what has been happening with me and why I stepped away from social media for the last few months. I tend to do this every once in a while but for the first time there was a legitimate need to step away for my own sanity. I have been making some positive changes and I now feel totally comfortable sharing it with everyone. Especially since I have challenged myself to be more open and honest with my feelings and my struggles. 

Some would probably ask - Why do you feel the need to share your experience on your social media? Well my answer is simple – to help others who may find themselves feeling how I feel and provide them one perspective of how to deal with it.

I’m not saying how I handled my depression and increasing anxiety the last few months is the right and only way but the way I dealt with it helped and it is an option. What works for me may not work for everyone but it doesn’t hurt to looks at people’s experiences. So I will now share my experience. It's a bit long but hopefully you'll read enough to get an idea. If you want of course.

Poetry Corner: Panic

I can't catch my breath
It's going faster than I can take in
My heart is beating faster and faster
The walls I feel like they're closing in
My mind is a foggy disaster
I can't control the tears that fall
My chest feels like it's being crushed
I almost feel like I'm suffocating
Nothing that's said can calm me
The pain is almost too much
Envelop me in darksness
Make this world disappear
I'm crying uncontrollably
I'm wondering why am I even here?

(written by me 4/30/18)

Why Do I Bother?

So I think I reached my max limit of what I'm willing to deal with when it comes to work. I know I've said it many times before but I think the fact that I get worked up and have mini to severe Panic attacks now at work, I think I reached the true limit. I am on this never-ending cycle of things being okay and then, just as I start to believe things have changed for the better, they stay the same as always. In the 11 1/2 years I have been here I have heard the same things over and over from different directors: "You have the potential to do more.", "You are underutilized.", "We need to see about expanding your skills and getting you involved in more.". You know what I have to say to that? BULLSHIT! 11 1/2 years and nothing has changed. Well, except maybe my job title. Oh and my bosses. I'm on director number 6. And the last one tried everything he could to get rid of me for no reason other than the fact he didn't like me, which I didn't understand because I never did anything to him. I have been screwed over by this place so many times I'm starting to believe I must enjoy being a masochist.

I am just so tired. My responsibilities have been reduced and are so routine I could probably do it in my sleep. You know what the toughest part is though? Sitting and listening to people discuss things you should be involved in because you have knowledge and could help but then not being acknowledged. I have a co-worker who was hired as a project and budget person in our department, which is great because we could use the help with that stuff and it is an overwhelming undertaking especially the projects side. But what has been bothering lately is that she is being given tasks and attending meetings that fit closer to my job. I run the work order system and deal with the day-to-day operations of maintaining campus and I am not involved with much of anything unless it involves me making a report or drafting a work order. Monday meetings with staff about work orders and other daily work being done on campus? I was never asked to be a part of it but she starts and she should. Summer turn over process? I deal with so much of the work load via work orders. Am I part of that? No. Initially I was but now I no longer have anything to do with it and just provide the spreadsheet. I don't get included in any meetings or anything. I just get asked to update the spreadsheet.

I'm going to be honest. My workload is not much. I could do a lot more but I'm not given anything. And it's so frustrating to be giving yourself filler work just to keep busy but your co-worker who tells you she is overwhelmed with the tasks she was hired to do, keeps getting additional tasks more inclined with your job. I don't blame her at all. She's just doing as she's told by our boss. I blame the hire up and I'm so tired of this BS. Why am I wasting my time waste a job that just doesn't acknowledge or appreciate my efforts. I want to do more. I want to expand my skill set. I want to learn more. But there is nothing being done to help me with that. I have a glorified title. I might as well be a part-time office helper. Why do I put up with this. I am in my early 30s and just wasting my time and potential at a thankless job. Let's not even get into the fact that this kind of work is the last kind of thing I wish to be doing. I deal with people who just whine and complain all the time and can't seem to do things for themselves. This started off as a temporary thing and then I got complacent. Well being complacent is not good enough anymore. My mental health has been suffering because of how unhappy I ma here and I finally need to do something about it. I have a goal in mind and I hope to meet it this year. Hopefully it will help. I'd like to think I'll meet the goal but with me, who knows?

Musical Obsession: March/April

I am back this month with some new obsessions. This is the music I find myself constantly listening to over the past month.

1. Pentatonix - PTX Presents: Top Pop, Vol. 1

Well, it's no surprise that Pentatonix would end up on my list after releasing new music. And once again they hit it out of the park with these covers. I don't know how they do it but damn this is one amazingly talented crew. All the tracks are great but my standout favorites are definitely Perfect, New Rules x Are You That Somebody?, and Despacito x Shape of You. It's a great selection of songs sung to perfection. It's also fun seeing as this is the debut of new member Matt Sallee. Being such a fan of Avi Kaplan and his voice he was missed but Matt has been a great addition to the group. Unfortunately I haven't been able to go to the current tour but I look forward to seeing them live on the next tour.





2. Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman Ensemble - This Is Me

Okay, so this is a movie I have been meaning to watch for awhile now. I mean I own the blu-ray for crying out loud. But despite that I was introduced to the music and fell in love with it. This song specifically. I first heard this when being performed during a drag show at Hamburger Mary's celebrating my sis-in-law's birthday. After listening to the lyrics I was hooked. This song is incredible. The lyrics strong and relatable. The power in Keala Settles voice is astounding. Her voice is beyond incredible. The combination of her voice and they lyrics moved me to tears. I hope to finally sit down and watch this movie as I have heard nothing but good things and to finally enjoy this song with the scene I was meant to hear from first.



3. Carrie Underwood - Cry Pretty (Single)

What can I say about this song. I think it pretty much speaks for itself. The lyrics are so on the point. We all like to present this nice pretty versions of ourselves but feel the need to hid ourselves when we feel sad and are in pain. Everything needs to be in a sense be prettified but not everything can be. And it shouldn't be. Emotions are messy and when you cry it's definitely not pretty. There is no one in this world that looks good as they cry and if they do are they really crying? I just love this song. No surprise seeing as most of Carrie's songs I just love instantly. Lately Carrie has been releasing songs that I find truly inspiring and I can relate to so much. can't wait for the album.





4. Billie Eilish & Khalid - Lovely

So recently I had discovered the musical talents of Billie Eilish. I enjoy the coolness of her voice and love each song she puts out. Which brings me to this song which she collaborates with Khalid. I can't say I'm very familiar with him but I love the combination of their voices together. The song has melancholy sound and it it quite comforting. It's not the most uplifting lyrics but beautiful nonetheless.









Special Mentions:

The Key of Awesome Parodies - Look What You Made Me Do, All In My Head (Flex), & Forgot To Remember You

So I don't advertise it much but I am no fan of miss T.Swift. I won't go into why, I just don't. So when she release new music it tends to get annoying having to listen because EVERYONE plays it a million times over in a day. But the only time I can appreciate her sound is during spoofs like this. The lyrics are pretty much state some of my issues with her and it's fun to sing along. yeah the line referencing her harassment lawsuit was a bit much but still I enjoy every other part. While the crew that put this parody together only made this based on media rumors and such in good fun and not in any serious attack I for one enjoy it as a way to state what I believe are her faults in truth in a fun way.

There's not much I can say about this because I do enjoy the original track from Fifth Harmony this song parodies and I do enjoy 5H music. It's a fun track that even in a coincidental way includes zombies which is my favorite. It's a parody jam! And while I enjoy listening to it on my phone its even better if you watch the video.

And lastly this is another gem! This song parodies the Remember To Forget You performed by Shakira and Rihanna. It's so well done. I again am a fan of not only the original songs but the ladies singing it as well. What really impresses me about this parody is how well the voices the ladies singing closely resemble those of Shakira and Rihanna. So well done.

So those are my picks for the music I've been obsessed with the last month. I really recommend a listen even if just a moment. You never know what you might like until you try it.

Until next time. Peace, Love, and Hugs!

Poetry Corner: Tears

The sunlight filters in
The struggle to bury the tears within
Out of nowhere they come
No explanation as to why
There's this need to hide
To run from the day
To run from the pain
Let the tears flow
Let them flow free
Cry the sadness away
Sit in the darkness
Give in to the monters
Give in to the sadness
If only for awhile

(Written by me 4/27/18)

Poetry Corner: Birthday Blues

Another year has come and gone
A time for reflection
A time feeling disappointment
Never feeling the joy of accomplishment
Feels like another year wasted
Why can't I hold onto the little happiness I've tasted
I know I can do better
The same routines
The same soul-sucking scenes
Another year gone and nothing done
More sadness than happiness I think as I reflect
But really what else could I expect?
Will this year of life bring change I'm craving?
Or will it be another year reflecting and crying?

(Written by me 2/9/18)

Dear Me...

It's a tough day today isn't it? You want to cry but you don't know why. You want to scream but you have a reason. You want  to punch something but are not sure what. All your moods are going crazy and you have no explanation. Right at this moment you wan to hide in the dark and cry being as it is your most prevalent feeling right now. Your eyes filled with tears ready to fall. What is it about today that makes you feel this way? Nothing really big or important is happening, so why the overwhelming emotions? Hiding your tears is not really an easy thing to do. You have to just grin and bear it. Put on a face like everything is okay when really you know it's not.

Musical Obsession: Holiday Edition!

I am back this month with some new obsessions. Due to the holiday season I'd thought I'd share my favorite Holiday albums. Check out my must haves.

1. Kelly Clarkson - Wrapped In Red

It's no surprise that #1 spot goes to Kelly Clarkson. For the longest time I wanted a Kelly Christmas album. I had always had an unwritten Kelly wish list with all the items I would like Kelly to put out such as a live CD, a live concert DVD and as you would guess, a Christmas album. So you can imagine the joy I felt when she announced she was releasing a Christmas album in 2013. Every song is a jam and puts me in the Christmas mood. Favorite tracks include 4 Carats, Underneath the Tree, Run Run Rudolph, Winter Dreams (Brandon's Song), and Just For Now. Although every track in reality is fantastic. Kelly just makes anything a hit in my opinion. Every Christmas I start off with this CD now. It's hard to believe any album was going to knock *N Sync off the top spot but if anyone was going to do it, it was definitely going to be Kelly. Now if only The Veronicas would put one out as well.


2. *N Sync - Home For Christmas

Now on to a group of five very talented guys. This is now my second go to Christmas album. It isn't truly Christmas to me without this album. Out of all my holiday albums this is the only one that has managed to make me cry with one of their songs. With the combination of heavenly voices and the lyrics it was hard to hold back tears. As the title suggests most of the songs focus on being home and spending time with loved ones. Many are about with being with that special someone. Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays is an exception that is an upbeat, dance tune to sing along when getting in the Holiday spirit. The guys showcase their heavenly sounding voices in an Acapella version of the classic O Holy Night. Another favorite is their version of The First Noel. And the song that really made me cry is The Only Gift. The lyrics in that song are just so beautiful. They really can make a person emotional. One thing that really makes this album stand out is that unlike the other one song focuses on New Year's Eve. Kiss Me At Midnight is a fun tune to dance to when coming up with your New Year's resolutions and when getting to smooch that special someone to ring in the New Year.


3. Michael Buble - Christmas

I've always heard about Michael Buble and his music but I never really took the time to check it out. It wasn't until an online friend told me that I should check out his Christmas album that I actually stopped and listen. And to be honest it is now one of my favorite albums and a must listen. He has such an amazing take on each of these classics. My favorite tracks are Holly Jolly Christmas, Santa Claus Is Coming To Town, Jingle Bells, and All I Want For Christmas Is You. Honestly his version of All I Want For Christmas Is You is my favorite over Mariah Carey. He has this classic sound that you can't help but enjoy.





4. Pentatonix - A Pentatonix Christmas  & That's Christmas To Me (Deluxe Edition)

So I couldn't have a Christmas Album list without adding my new favorites Pentatonix. And I don't have only one Christmas album but two! I can't say enough good things about their albums. They do such a fantastic job putting their acapella twist on these classics. First from That's Christmas To Me my favorites that I would like to comment on are Mary, Did You Know? and Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy. Listening to Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy it's hard to believe that it's only their voices. It's beyond incredible. And from A Pentatonix Christmas my favorites include Hallelujah, Coldest Winter, O Come All Ye Faithful, and God Rest Ye Gentleman. And I have to single out one song and that is Hallelujah. If there is only one song you listen to from any of their Christmas albums it needs to be that one. I honestly think it is the best version of that song I've heard out there. Strong words from me considering I have many favorite versions of this song alone. Overall these are a great addition to your Christmas music collection so check them out.

5. Christina Aguilera - My Kind Of Christmas

Another amazingly talented female who put together another great album. Out of all my Christmas albums Christina manages to stick to more of the classic approach while performing the classic hits with the exception of four songs. Three are originals and one is a holiday mix of The Christmas Song. X-Tina really makes it her mission to really show off her vocal talent with many ad-libs. My overall favorite song on the album is Christmas Time. It just talks about all the good things about the holidays and being together with family while at the same time making you want to get up and dance. On most of the songs she also manages to put in some Gospel flavor which really works. Especially on the track O Holy Night where she brings in a Gospel Choir. And it's not a Christina album without at least one song that exudes sex and sensuality. That honor goes to the song This Year and she totally sells it without it being too raunchy. It is one album worth hearing.


7. Destiny's Child - 8 Days Of Christmas

The #1 selling female R&B group in the world. The girls really showcased how well their voices blend together in this holiday album. The three of them really are good together. The girls perform some classic holiday hits, along with some new songs.Not only do the girls perform songs together but the girls are also able to sing songs showcasing their talented voices on their own. Beyonce sings her own special rendition of Silent Night, Kelly sings Do You Hear What I Hear, and Michelle performs O Holy Night. Each song is awesome in it's own special way, but my favorites are 8 Days Of Christmas, Spread A Little Love On Christmas Day, and my ultimate fave Opera Of The Bells because the girls manage to sing a song that is normally difficult to learn and perform so flawlessly. The album is just great to listen to.


Special Mentions - 

Jessica Simpson- Rejoyce: The Christmas Album


This album has many holiday classics with some new flavor. Some of my Favorite Tracks include Baby, It's Cold Outside with her hubby Nick Lachey and The Little Drummer Boy with her sister Ashlee Simpson as well as the hauntingly beautiful Breath Of Heaven (Mary's Song).

Boyz II Men- Christmas Interpretations

My two favorite songs are their renditions of Silent Night ans Let It Snow. The way they sing Silent Night really make me appreciate the song more than I already do. As for Let It Snow, their version makes me want to snuggle with someone special in front of a fire.










So those are my picks for the music I've been obsessed with the last couple months. I really recommend a listen even if just a moment. You never know what you might like until you try it.

Until next time. Peace, Love, and Hugs!

Musical Obsession: October/November

I am back this month with some new obsessions. This is the music I find myself constantly listening to over the past month.

1. Kelly Clarkson - Meaning of Life

My queen has brought us another amazing album and I am basking in the amazingness of it! You can't imagine how excited I was when I heard Kelly was releasing a new album. It was especially exciting since she was under a new label and would be trying a sound she's always wanted to do which was to have a more soulful sound and boy did she deliver. I honestly think her voice has never sounded better. We finally get the true extent of her talents and you can tell she has put her all. Now she didn't totally abandon her sounds that fans are familiar with but you can tell there is so much more soul injected in it. I can praise the songs I Don't Think About You, Move You, Would You Call That Love, and Medicine enough. They have become my absolute favorites. I can't sing enough praises for this release.



2. Dua Lipa - Dua Lipa (Deluxe Edition)

So as many have I first heard of Dua Lipa by her single New Rules which is a jam. I watched the music video one day and fell into a whole of watching her music video catalogue and loved every song so I had to buy her album. I just love her voice and sound. My favorites so far without mentioning New Rules are No Goodbyes, Begging, Homesick, IDGAF, and Garden. I look forward to hearing more from her.








3. Billie Eilish - Don't Smile At Me

I can't exactly recall where I first heard Billie Eilish. But I was intrigued by her beautiful voice. When I first heard Ocean Eyes I was hooked. I had to look into more and was happy with everything I heard. I was amazed to find out she was 15. She has a voice that just captivates. It's hard for me to  describe. But I love her sound. Favorites besides Ocean Eyes include Bellyache, Hostage and Idontwannabeyouanymore.








4. Lights - Until The Light (Single)

So it had been awhile since i had heard music from Lights. I first heard of her years ago via YouTube and enjoyed some of her music, but I hadn't really kept up. Until Now. I heard this single and was pleasantly surprised. It's a different sound than what I remember hearing from her. I love it. It put me in the mood to dance and its just fun to listen to. I look forward to listening to more.









5. Luis Fonsi & Demi Lovato - Echame La Culpa (Single)

There's not really much I can say about this song besides it's a fun jam that I love singing and dancing to. After the success of Despacito it was good to see another collaboration with Luis Fonsi and it being Demi Lovato was a good choice. I find myself loving every collab Demi takes part in. I just love her voice. And to hear her sing in Spanish adds to the goodness of it. It's just a fun song to jam to.








So those are my picks for the music I've been obsessed with the last month. I really recommend a listen even if just a moment. You never know what you might like until you try it.

Until next time. Peace, Love, and Hugs!

Poetry Corner: We Are Not Promised Forever

We are not promised forever
We are not guaranteed breath everyday
When it comes to life there is no replay
Wasting our days focused on petty things
Ignoring all the good that life brings
We are not promised forever
Why do we waste our lives away?
Why do we hold onto the things we want to say?
Why do we let anger and hurt overtake us?
Why do we let the negativity become our focus?
We are not promised forever
So many moments wasted without those we should love
So many good memories gone with people we let go of
Family and friends we just let slip by the wayside
Good relationships lost over our silly pride
We are not promised forever
Do we really want to live a life of what-ifs?
We've got one life we should make the most of it
No one should want to live life full of regrets
We should be as happy as we can with this one life we get

(Written by me 7/27/17)