Well, it's been awhile. I've been keeping away of being online and have felt bad that I haven't kept up with anyone or anything going on lately and while I have a tendency of stepping away without notice I had vowed not to do so again without good reason. Well, I had very good reason. For those wanting to know read ahead.
Warning, about to get personal:
In early May I had somewhat of a major breakdown at work. I don't really know why it happened. All I know is I woke up unnecessarily angry at everything. My breaking point was when I got called out on the phone for snapping at someone for no reason. Apparently I was not able to fake it anymore. I hid in the bathroom and just cried uncontrollably. Told my boss I had to leave because I couldn't handle being around anyone. Went home and just cried the rest of the night. The next day I was called in to my boss' office to explain what happened. I finally had to tell him about my battle with depression the past few years and how unhappy I was with life, both personally and work wise.
Funny thing is I knew somewhat that this was bound to happen. For weeks I had been delving into darker thoughts and having days where I just wanted to disappear. I was pretty good at pretending everything was okay when talking to people but when I was alone I couldn't help the thoughts in my head. I had begun having constant dreams of being stabbed to death and every other thought I had was about ways I could hurt myself. Scariest part about that is thinking if I did get badly hurt I would feel relieved. I also found it becoming more difficult to fake being okay at work. Everyone around me was noticing something was wrong.
Since then I have met with my boss and HR on things I could do. They were a little concerned that I had gone off my meds by my own choice without letting my doctor know. At the time I thought I was okay. How wrong was I? I have started going back to the doctor who officially said I suffer from severe depression. I've been put on some new medication and referred to a counselor. In terms of this new medication, wow it is an experience. It's been about a month on it and it has been a roller coaster. I had never experienced such side effects. For a month I did not feel like myself at all and not in a good way.
I look at the few tweets I posted and it reads strange to me. Good reason to stay away from online. Well that and the fact that I couldn't find any enjoyment in the things I loved. Kelly Clarkson has a new video and other great things and I found no joy in it. As well as Bethany Joy Lenz, Carrie Underwood, The Veronicas, Lea Michele and so forth. I found no joy in any of the awesome things they are doing. I mean come on Lea is working on a new book, Joy is working on an album and The Veronicas finally completed their new album! I should feel excited and nothing! Even those little things that would spark some happiness in me did nothing. Nothing I was doing with family could even spark a smile. I was just miserable. I'm finally going to see Wicked at the end of June and even that took some effort to get even a little happy about as she gave me my ticket. It was bad.
At this point now I feel more like myself a bit. I think the meds have finally kicked in and are working. Though my doctor suggests I should get out more. I have a habit of isolating my self in my room and shutting out the world which does not help with getting better. My Vitamin D levels are apparently at a very low level of 13 when it should be between 50 - 60. Which means I need more sun. I've never been the outgoing or outside type but I'm really trying. I miss being excited about things. I hope soon I'll get back to finding enjoyment in things I love again. I miss everyone and I'm tired of being isolated. I want normalcy. I wanna hang with friends and tell jokes and get the most out of life. I'm on the path to actively make these changes I desperately need. No more talking and more doing.
Sorry if I got too personal, but I felt like I had to get this out.
Until next time. Peace, Love, and Hugs.
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