Diary Of A Sad Girl...

So today is one of those days. Out of nowhere I found myself in the bathroom at work having a total breakdown. I can't explain why the tears started flowing but for about 15 minutes I just couldn't get it to stop. I don't know. Lately, I've found myself dreading getting up. If I could, I think I would be okay hiding in the sanctuary that is my room hidden away from the world. Sometimes I feel like I would be better off alone away from everything. I keep asking the same questions over and over and I can't seem to figure out the answers.


Why do I feel this way?

Why can't I be happy?

Why can't I seem to get myself out of this rut?

I don't know what I'm even doing anymore. I know what I need to do but for some reason I can't seem to get myself to do it. I can't muster up that motivation. What is wrong with me? Why can't I seem to light that fire under my ass to make the changes that I know are detrimental to making things better for me? I know that my lack of confidence and self-esteem plays a major part. I don't feel like I can do better. I don't feel like it's worth it. I feel like I'm just damned to live this unhappy existence. I need something good in my life and I need it to be constant. There is not one aspect of my life that I feel makes me happy. How terrible is that?

I need my motivator. I need something that will kick my ass into gear. But what? What can it be? I feel so alone. I don't really have many friends. I don't feel like I have anyone I can talk to. I always feel like I would be burdening them. The thing is I do need to talk to someone. I can't do this alone anymore. It's such a heavy weight on my mind and heart. I really don't know if anyone can really understand how I feel. Everyone tells me how loved I am and how so many people care about me but I still can 't shake feeling that I'm alone. How can I change this? How can I see what everyone else sees?

I think maybe I just need to seek counseling. I've done it twice before and it never worked out but maybe it's just the counselors weren't right for me. For the moment writing these things out does help sometimes. Maybe I just need to do it more often. I guess we'll see.

**Gif found via Google.