My Mental Health, My Journey

So, a while back on Facebook to family and friends I mentioned that I would share what has been happening with me and why I stepped away from social media for the last few months. I tend to do this every once in a while but for the first time there was a legitimate need to step away for my own sanity. I have been making some positive changes and I now feel totally comfortable sharing it with everyone. Especially since I have challenged myself to be more open and honest with my feelings and my struggles. 

Some would probably ask - Why do you feel the need to share your experience on your social media? Well my answer is simple – to help others who may find themselves feeling how I feel and provide them one perspective of how to deal with it.

I’m not saying how I handled my depression and increasing anxiety the last few months is the right and only way but the way I dealt with it helped and it is an option. What works for me may not work for everyone but it doesn’t hurt to looks at people’s experiences. So I will now share my experience. It's a bit long but hopefully you'll read enough to get an idea. If you want of course.

Let me start by saying that I have been dealing with Depression for years. As far back as my mid to late teens. I only became truly aware of my depression in my early 20's but thinking back I realized I was depressed beginning in High School. I just didn’t recognize it as depression. I figured it was just teenage stuff I would get over and then everything would be fine. Sure enough everything was not fine and wouldn’t be. I have been through so much dealing with my depression. I had seen many doctors and counselors. I had tried many different types of anti-depressants, but nothing seemed to stick. I would feel good for a while but then I would be back to crying fits and hating life.

Paramore's song Fake Happy had lyrics
that described what I was feeling perfectly.

After a while I just tried to put on a front with everyone that everything was okay. Some knew the depression I was battling sure but for the most part they didn’t know how bad it was for me. I hated everything about myself. I hated my work life. I hated my personal life. I’ve always felt like the ugliest, fattest person. I never liked mirrors or pictures of myself. My self-confidence was at a negative 1000. I was stuck in the belief that I was a total failure and nothing anyone said would change that belief. I was ashamed of my life. I didn’t feel like a real adult. I just hated myself and the life I lived. So much so I repeatedly questioned why I even existed. Don’t get me wrong, I NEVER once considered killing myself, but I would be lying if I didn’t think it would be a relief if something were to happen to me and I was no longer around. I tried to justify it to myself that it wouldn’t be a bad thing because I didn’t do it to myself. But, in my opinion, thinking that way is just as bad as considering suicide.

I made it a habit to distract myself from my life as much as I could by throwing myself deeper into my favorite things like shows and music. I would spend as much time online talking about shows and music or finding fun stuff related to it. It's why I like going to conventions now and meeting the people I never imagined I'd meet. I got more into video games and anything else I could spend more time talking about and not my own life. Talk to me about One Tree Hill and I would look like one of the happiest people. Let me talk about the joys that is Kelly Clarkson, the Veronicas, or Bethany Joy Lenz and I would light up. Talk to me about the Walking Dead and I would get so excited. Talk to me about how I’m doing and how life was going and I wanted to run away and hide in my little sanctuary (my bedroom). My life was not interesting. It was not happy. I was in a rut and I didn’t have the self-motivation to get myself out of it. I just wanted to hide in my entertainment obsessions and forget reality. Specifically MY reality.

Which brings me to my growing Anxiety. I didn’t start dealing with anxiety until a few years ago. I would have mini-panic attacks, but I didn’t think much of it. I just figured it was something new I would deal with. Especially with how work was going. I had a bully for a boss who did not like me and would try to sabotage me in order to get rid of me. It was no wonder I was having an anxiety issue. I started having really bad panic attacks and have to go home. I had tried to overcome the anxiety by exposing myself to things I would never normally do such as attending conventions by myself. But there was still that social anxiety building and like always I thought I could deal with it and be okay. The anxiety was bad but I told myself I could handle it. It wasn’t too bad. But in the last few months things were getting worse.

I started to notice that I never wanted to leave the comfort of my room. I didn’t want to deal with social situations at all. I was always a homebody but this was not normal. I didn’t even want to go outside. Getting up to go to work was a chore. I was constantly irritable having to deal with people. I was to the point that I woke up every morning in one of two ways: irrationally angry or wanting to just cry. I couldn’t explain these feelings. I was only truly happy in my space. If I had to go out I did my best to have fun and smile but inside I was drained and wanted to curl up in my bed. Being around anyone was draining. I didn’t even want to go out for the most basic necessities. If I could avoid going anywhere I would. I would turn down invites unless I felt guilty not going. I would say I felt sick, was too tired or I would say I already had plans. They were all lies of course. I just didn’t want to leave my room. The only person I never could say no to was my best friend Lisy. Let me tell you, I appreciated how she forced me to go out or spend time with her and her family. I needed that.

I was getting to the point that I believed living on my own would cause me to become a recluse. No one would ever hear from me again.  It was getting that bad. Then the panic attacks at work became a problem. I suffered three panic attacks but two of them were severe. The first one was in February. I just asked to go home after calming myself and slept the day away. The second one was in March. It was so bad that as I cried uncontrollably in the bathroom I started to feel faint and worrying I would pass out and not know how long it would take for someone to find me. I pushed myself to go to my boss’ office to tell him I couldn’t breathe and was having a severe panic attack. He sat with me and helped me with getting in touch with HR to work on locating a therapist. I needed to talk to someone. That was how I found my current therapist. But sadly that wasn’t enough.

We were given this binder at the beginning.
It was almost like going to class. Very useful.

At the end of April I had another severe panic attack at work. I can’t explain why I had them but I did. Again I started feeling faint. I called my mom but she was out of town and later I would feel guilty for making her worry. With her help and a co-worker I calmed down after about an hour of not feeling like I could breathe and finally went home to sleep. The attacks were so draining all I could do was sleep. I went to my therapist appointment and he told me he thought I needed to go to a group therapy program. He gave me a referral and a couple of days later I contacted Rogers Memorial Hospital and I was to start their Intensive Outpatient Therapy (IOP) program mid-May.

To say I was nervous and scared was an understatement. I was going to be in a room with

complete strangers and sharing my issues. I didn’t know what to expect. And the fact that group settings were a cause for anxiety in me was not helpful. I was shy, I picked a seat in the corner and just observed. Listening to everyone’s own experiences with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and more was eye opening. After about a week, I started to feel comfortable and it had everything to do with my group. Everyone was just wonderful. The group therapist Julie was awesome, the nurse Jeanine was veru helpful, and the group was amazing. They were so welcoming and understanding. There was no judgement, just understanding. We may not have had the same exact experiences but we did have the same feelings, doubts and fears. It was freeing. I learned so much from that program. I learned skills such as Mindfulness, Radical Acceptance, Thought Challenging, Opposite Action and so much more. I met with a psychiatrist who prescribed me the medication that finally worked for me. I also realized fears I never realized I had.

My previous boss, even having been fired, was still always in the back of my mind messing with me. I was so afraid of actually becoming a recluse that even though I was ashamed for still living at home I wouldn’t really try being on my own. I was so afraid of failure I wouldn’t try anything new in terms of bettering my life. I only just got my driver’s permit and that was because my group and the group therapist challenged me to get it by the end of my vacation in June and I needed to call her. I finished my program June 18^th and my vacation ended the week of the 25^th and I didn’t want to disappoint. I was riddled with anxiety, literally shaking and my sister Jadzia, who was with me, told me I would be fine. And guess what? They were all right. I passed the written test on my first try. I am slowly trying to accept myself. I want to work on losing weight and fixing myself up more. I want to feel pretty.

My tools for keeping my sanity. My journal at the top right
has been my best output for the last 3 years. Lots of sad poetry in
that journal.

Nowadays I am less likely to say no to going out anywhere. I use thought challenging to fight those negative thoughts that creep in every once in a while. I am constantly using opposite action to force myself to go out even if I would rather stay home, specifically in my room. I have made using mindfulness a regular practice and honestly I have never felt better. I am so grateful for Rogers and everything they taught me. And for also giving me a couple new friends I can keep in touch with who struggle with the same things. We help each other stay on track and I am so grateful for that. Sometimes it’s easier to talk to those who are experiencing what you are. Not to say my friends and family aren’t good support but it’s harder to explain what you feel if they’ve never dealt with it before. I feel a lit bit more confident in myself and I’m not as ashamed as I once felt. There is always that fear of relapse and falling into that despair and need for isolation but I am a constant work in progress and it will be something I don’t want to fail at. 

Now don’t get me wrong that doesn’t mean I don’t still have my low days but they are fewer and farther between. Such as a couple weeks ago I had to calm myself down from an unexpected anxiety attack at home. And my moods have been up and down lately. The cry fits are still there but as my therapist told me that is okay. I need to allow myself to cry. hence me crying myself to sleep last night.  A little may have to do with the fact that my current therapist will be leaving for another position and I'll need to meet with a different therapist. Which sucks because I finally got to a point where I was incredibly comfortable with my current one and now I have to start again basically. But I am going to try to do better. I'll continue to use the skills I learned and work on myself.

So I know this was a bit long but I hope it gave everyone some insight into my struggles. There is so much more I could say but I don’t want to bore you. Well assuming you read through all this. If you suffer though some of this just remember you are not alone and you can get help. Whether it’s by the same path I took or a different one. All that matters is that you get the help you need. I will continue taking care of myself and trying to live my best life. I’m constantly hoping and praying that I can keep the good feelings going in spie of the negative ones that keep creeping in. Take care!

Also since I am a bit more open to sharing, here is a letter I wrote to myself back in 2011. Every year since then I read it to myself when I feel my lowest. How that helps I can't explain. I have only ever shared this with one person, my sister Jadzia, a few years ago when she was struggling. Read if you want.

Peace, Love, and Hugs!