Communication and Me

Okay, so I have no problem admitting that I really suck at keeping in touch with people. I'm just not very good at it. For some reason I feel like I'm bothering people and then I think if they really wanted to talk to me they would contact me, right? At least that's how I justify it. The thoughts in my head don't always make sense.


There are times where I just feel like a bother. I don't know why. It's not like people have ever given me that indication. I just think that way. I repeatedly tell people that I don't really have a life. I don't go out, I don't party or hang with friends often. I usually never have plans for the weekend. Most of the time I'm just hanging at home in my room. And to be honest the majority of time I prefer that. I live a very boring, uninteresting life. Probably why I'm not the kind of person people look for often. Probably why I don't feel like I have very many friends. To be honest, I don't have many friends.

I know I've had some family members who ask why I haven't called or messaged them. Especially those who live in long distance places like Puerto Rico. I know I should be trying harder but I can't seem to bring myself to. Hence, me losing touch with people I really care about.

I just get lazy when it comes to keeping in touch with people. I don't really like talking on the phone much, online chatting gets dull quick, and texting gets tiring after a couple of exchanges. I honestly prefer face-to-face. Video chat I do enjoy, be it Face-time or Skype. It's easier for me. I can keep up with it better.

But here's the kicker, I'm too shy to suggest those means. I don't want to sound pathetic or needy and I don't want to bother people. Stupid, right? So, since I don't try, it's not unusual for people to not hear from me unless I start feeling obligated due to some holiday or upcoming event, if I start feeling like I've been silent too long, if someone suddenly contacts me or I just start missing some people. And let me tell you the people I will actually contact is very small. They're the ones who I think are probably the least likely to feel bothered by me.

Even my social media gets tiring for me like Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Pinterest, and so on. I find myself taking extended breaks from posting. I could post everyday then at some point I just feel like I have nothing interesting to say so I get bored, or it starts depressing me so I'll suddenly decide I need long breaks. It's too much work keeping up. There are downsides on the sites with followers considering I lose many due to my breaks-without-warning, but I deal with it.

I really don't mean to be rude if that's how it appears to people. I don't mean to be that way. I just can't seem to change my ways. Maybe the depression I deal with everyday has something to do with it. Sometimes I like not turning on my computer, or accessing my social media, or bothering to retrieve my phone from my purse. It may seem odd in this day and age but I'm not chained to my technology. I don't want to be. I shouldn't have to be. I want to keep communication open with people but having to do that through technology lately is tiring. Maybe that's why I feel like I've pushed people away.

So in the end I'm sorry if I seem uninterested in talking to people. Sorry I don't make more of an effort. Sorry I don't contact you. I'm just sorry. I wish I was more social and I should be, but until I start feeling like less of a bother and more like an actual friend and family member I don't think I'll be changing anytime soon. So please don't think I don't care. I'm just having those moments where I'm just tired. Doesn't make it any better but it's the truth.