These Overwhelming Negative Thoughts...

There are some things I've been thinking and feeling lately that I need to get off my mind. Lately I've been feeling like crap emotionally. Like always, even feeling like this, I've been putting on a good front like everything is okay. I'm pretty much an expert at that. Every time I feel like I'm doing better, something inevitably triggers me back down.


Lately that feeling of being stuck in a rut in my life has been overwhelming me. It's been weighing on my mind a lot and dragging me down with negative thoughts. I do understand that I play a big part in feeling that way because I haven't really done anything to change my life. I get that. It doesn't change these things that I feel regardless of knowing that I should do something to change it.

I have an issue with motivation. No matter how much I know I need to make a change I can't seem to motivate myself to do so. Lack of motivation and procrastination are two of my biggest flaws. Not to mention my lack of confidence and incredibly low self-esteem. I just have a lot of issues that I should work on but can't seem to.

I watch others, such as my friends and family, experience all these incredible life experiences like having a job they enjoy, getting married, having kids, moving to far locations, etc and I feel envy because in my head I don't think I will ever experience those things. I'm honestly convinced that I am destined to be alone. I'm convinced I'll never meet anyone. I'm convinced I will never experience being a mom. And I'm convinced I'll be stuck in a job I'm unhappy with indefinitely.

Can I change these things? Of course I could. If I tried really hard. Will this heavy negativity I'm consumed in let me makes these changes? I don't think it will. I don't think I have the strength to fight it. I sometimes do try to make these small positive steps but they always turn out be temporary. There's so much I believe that I need to change in order to maybe reach that true happiness but it feels so daunting that I sometimes just give in to the negativity and think 'Why bother?'.

I need a push. A major one. There is no doubt about that. But where will it come from? And how soon will it come? Maybe my first change needs to be location. I'm starting to feel about Wisconsin the way my father feels about it. I'm starting to feel suffocated here. Actually I've been feeling that way for quite awhile. Only time I feel like I can breathe is when I'm far away from here. I feel happier and feel less of that negative weight.  I think about that and then I get scared. Could I really leave? So far away from the life I know even if it is an unhappy one? I'm not confident to do so and then I feel stuck again.

I'm a whirlwind of issues and I don't know anyone who understands how I feel. Everyone is quick to say all you have to do is [insert easier said than done suggestion] and then they think is will be a good enough fix not understanding why it would be so hard for me. I don't even know if I understand myself. I just know I can't seem to do it. I don't know if I'll ever overcome this. I like to hope I will.

 For now I try to get my mind off of these thoughts by consuming myself in the things I enjoy (music, reading, writing, fave tv shows, favorite artists), enjoying hanging with friends when I can, hanging with the family, and so on. But most of all writing all these thoughts out helps the most for now. If I can get them out of my head, I can get through the day a little easier. How long this will work I don't know but if I wasn't doing this I'd probably be going crazier than I already feel. I try to create this little bubble for myself where I can just try to ignore the harsh realities of  my life. Maybe it's unhealthy but it works for me sometimes.

I'm taking it day by day with hopes that it will get better. Hopes that I will get that confidence and motivation to make the changes I need to make. To overcome this fear of those changes and to finally, finally be done with the negativity and live an actually happy life.