My Mental Health, My Journey

So, a while back on Facebook to family and friends I mentioned that I would share what has been happening with me and why I stepped away from social media for the last few months. I tend to do this every once in a while but for the first time there was a legitimate need to step away for my own sanity. I have been making some positive changes and I now feel totally comfortable sharing it with everyone. Especially since I have challenged myself to be more open and honest with my feelings and my struggles. 

Some would probably ask - Why do you feel the need to share your experience on your social media? Well my answer is simple – to help others who may find themselves feeling how I feel and provide them one perspective of how to deal with it.

I’m not saying how I handled my depression and increasing anxiety the last few months is the right and only way but the way I dealt with it helped and it is an option. What works for me may not work for everyone but it doesn’t hurt to looks at people’s experiences. So I will now share my experience. It's a bit long but hopefully you'll read enough to get an idea. If you want of course.

Poetry Corner: Panic

I can't catch my breath
It's going faster than I can take in
My heart is beating faster and faster
The walls I feel like they're closing in
My mind is a foggy disaster
I can't control the tears that fall
My chest feels like it's being crushed
I almost feel like I'm suffocating
Nothing that's said can calm me
The pain is almost too much
Envelop me in darksness
Make this world disappear
I'm crying uncontrollably
I'm wondering why am I even here?

(written by me 4/30/18)

Why Do I Bother?

So I think I reached my max limit of what I'm willing to deal with when it comes to work. I know I've said it many times before but I think the fact that I get worked up and have mini to severe Panic attacks now at work, I think I reached the true limit. I am on this never-ending cycle of things being okay and then, just as I start to believe things have changed for the better, they stay the same as always. In the 11 1/2 years I have been here I have heard the same things over and over from different directors: "You have the potential to do more.", "You are underutilized.", "We need to see about expanding your skills and getting you involved in more.". You know what I have to say to that? BULLSHIT! 11 1/2 years and nothing has changed. Well, except maybe my job title. Oh and my bosses. I'm on director number 6. And the last one tried everything he could to get rid of me for no reason other than the fact he didn't like me, which I didn't understand because I never did anything to him. I have been screwed over by this place so many times I'm starting to believe I must enjoy being a masochist.

I am just so tired. My responsibilities have been reduced and are so routine I could probably do it in my sleep. You know what the toughest part is though? Sitting and listening to people discuss things you should be involved in because you have knowledge and could help but then not being acknowledged. I have a co-worker who was hired as a project and budget person in our department, which is great because we could use the help with that stuff and it is an overwhelming undertaking especially the projects side. But what has been bothering lately is that she is being given tasks and attending meetings that fit closer to my job. I run the work order system and deal with the day-to-day operations of maintaining campus and I am not involved with much of anything unless it involves me making a report or drafting a work order. Monday meetings with staff about work orders and other daily work being done on campus? I was never asked to be a part of it but she starts and she should. Summer turn over process? I deal with so much of the work load via work orders. Am I part of that? No. Initially I was but now I no longer have anything to do with it and just provide the spreadsheet. I don't get included in any meetings or anything. I just get asked to update the spreadsheet.

I'm going to be honest. My workload is not much. I could do a lot more but I'm not given anything. And it's so frustrating to be giving yourself filler work just to keep busy but your co-worker who tells you she is overwhelmed with the tasks she was hired to do, keeps getting additional tasks more inclined with your job. I don't blame her at all. She's just doing as she's told by our boss. I blame the hire up and I'm so tired of this BS. Why am I wasting my time waste a job that just doesn't acknowledge or appreciate my efforts. I want to do more. I want to expand my skill set. I want to learn more. But there is nothing being done to help me with that. I have a glorified title. I might as well be a part-time office helper. Why do I put up with this. I am in my early 30s and just wasting my time and potential at a thankless job. Let's not even get into the fact that this kind of work is the last kind of thing I wish to be doing. I deal with people who just whine and complain all the time and can't seem to do things for themselves. This started off as a temporary thing and then I got complacent. Well being complacent is not good enough anymore. My mental health has been suffering because of how unhappy I ma here and I finally need to do something about it. I have a goal in mind and I hope to meet it this year. Hopefully it will help. I'd like to think I'll meet the goal but with me, who knows?

Musical Obsession: March/April

I am back this month with some new obsessions. This is the music I find myself constantly listening to over the past month.

1. Pentatonix - PTX Presents: Top Pop, Vol. 1

Well, it's no surprise that Pentatonix would end up on my list after releasing new music. And once again they hit it out of the park with these covers. I don't know how they do it but damn this is one amazingly talented crew. All the tracks are great but my standout favorites are definitely Perfect, New Rules x Are You That Somebody?, and Despacito x Shape of You. It's a great selection of songs sung to perfection. It's also fun seeing as this is the debut of new member Matt Sallee. Being such a fan of Avi Kaplan and his voice he was missed but Matt has been a great addition to the group. Unfortunately I haven't been able to go to the current tour but I look forward to seeing them live on the next tour.





2. Keala Settle & The Greatest Showman Ensemble - This Is Me

Okay, so this is a movie I have been meaning to watch for awhile now. I mean I own the blu-ray for crying out loud. But despite that I was introduced to the music and fell in love with it. This song specifically. I first heard this when being performed during a drag show at Hamburger Mary's celebrating my sis-in-law's birthday. After listening to the lyrics I was hooked. This song is incredible. The lyrics strong and relatable. The power in Keala Settles voice is astounding. Her voice is beyond incredible. The combination of her voice and they lyrics moved me to tears. I hope to finally sit down and watch this movie as I have heard nothing but good things and to finally enjoy this song with the scene I was meant to hear from first.



3. Carrie Underwood - Cry Pretty (Single)

What can I say about this song. I think it pretty much speaks for itself. The lyrics are so on the point. We all like to present this nice pretty versions of ourselves but feel the need to hid ourselves when we feel sad and are in pain. Everything needs to be in a sense be prettified but not everything can be. And it shouldn't be. Emotions are messy and when you cry it's definitely not pretty. There is no one in this world that looks good as they cry and if they do are they really crying? I just love this song. No surprise seeing as most of Carrie's songs I just love instantly. Lately Carrie has been releasing songs that I find truly inspiring and I can relate to so much. can't wait for the album.





4. Billie Eilish & Khalid - Lovely

So recently I had discovered the musical talents of Billie Eilish. I enjoy the coolness of her voice and love each song she puts out. Which brings me to this song which she collaborates with Khalid. I can't say I'm very familiar with him but I love the combination of their voices together. The song has melancholy sound and it it quite comforting. It's not the most uplifting lyrics but beautiful nonetheless.









Special Mentions:

The Key of Awesome Parodies - Look What You Made Me Do, All In My Head (Flex), & Forgot To Remember You

So I don't advertise it much but I am no fan of miss T.Swift. I won't go into why, I just don't. So when she release new music it tends to get annoying having to listen because EVERYONE plays it a million times over in a day. But the only time I can appreciate her sound is during spoofs like this. The lyrics are pretty much state some of my issues with her and it's fun to sing along. yeah the line referencing her harassment lawsuit was a bit much but still I enjoy every other part. While the crew that put this parody together only made this based on media rumors and such in good fun and not in any serious attack I for one enjoy it as a way to state what I believe are her faults in truth in a fun way.

There's not much I can say about this because I do enjoy the original track from Fifth Harmony this song parodies and I do enjoy 5H music. It's a fun track that even in a coincidental way includes zombies which is my favorite. It's a parody jam! And while I enjoy listening to it on my phone its even better if you watch the video.

And lastly this is another gem! This song parodies the Remember To Forget You performed by Shakira and Rihanna. It's so well done. I again am a fan of not only the original songs but the ladies singing it as well. What really impresses me about this parody is how well the voices the ladies singing closely resemble those of Shakira and Rihanna. So well done.

So those are my picks for the music I've been obsessed with the last month. I really recommend a listen even if just a moment. You never know what you might like until you try it.

Until next time. Peace, Love, and Hugs!

Poetry Corner: Tears

The sunlight filters in
The struggle to bury the tears within
Out of nowhere they come
No explanation as to why
There's this need to hide
To run from the day
To run from the pain
Let the tears flow
Let them flow free
Cry the sadness away
Sit in the darkness
Give in to the monters
Give in to the sadness
If only for awhile

(Written by me 4/27/18)

Poetry Corner: Birthday Blues

Another year has come and gone
A time for reflection
A time feeling disappointment
Never feeling the joy of accomplishment
Feels like another year wasted
Why can't I hold onto the little happiness I've tasted
I know I can do better
The same routines
The same soul-sucking scenes
Another year gone and nothing done
More sadness than happiness I think as I reflect
But really what else could I expect?
Will this year of life bring change I'm craving?
Or will it be another year reflecting and crying?

(Written by me 2/9/18)

Dear Me...

It's a tough day today isn't it? You want to cry but you don't know why. You want to scream but you have a reason. You want  to punch something but are not sure what. All your moods are going crazy and you have no explanation. Right at this moment you wan to hide in the dark and cry being as it is your most prevalent feeling right now. Your eyes filled with tears ready to fall. What is it about today that makes you feel this way? Nothing really big or important is happening, so why the overwhelming emotions? Hiding your tears is not really an easy thing to do. You have to just grin and bear it. Put on a face like everything is okay when really you know it's not.