Poetry Corner: Tired & Helpless

Lost in uncertainty
Lost in despair
Lost in desperation
And I can't seem to care
Is this becoming normal to me
Have I accepted this darkness
Have I just given up
I'm feeling so tired and helpless
I don't have the energy
My mind is constantly racing
My heart pounds non-stop
My body uncontrollably shaking
This exhaustion is overwhelming
I want to be done

(written by me 12/7/16)

Poetry Corner: Outside Looking In

I feel like I'm on the outside looking in
Everyone smiling while all I do is pretend
For everyone else it seems life keeps moving
For me,  It's like I'm standing still
Everyone I see making big milestones
While I struggle with life being a bitter pill
Sometimes I feel included, like I really belong
It doesn't last, it's mostly fleeting
Next thing I know that goodness is gone
Seeing everyone living a life I want to be living
Hurts me more than I could possibly imagine
I'm on the outside looking in.
Like a stranger, envious of those she knows
I smile burying the hurt within
They'll never know how deep the hurt goes
I'm on the outside looking in
And sadly I don't see that changing

(written by me 11/21/16)

My Best Weekend Ever! My Inside OTH Experience!

So a couple of weeks ago I got to fulfill one of my many dreams. Those who know me well know how much I absolutely love the show One Tree Hill. Over the past few years I have watched and envied everyone who went to one of the many different OTH conventions held. I never thought I would get to experience meeting the cast I have adored for so long. Then Inside OTH got announced at the right time (tax refund) and I decided to splurge. I went for the best of everything. Planning the trip it felt surreal. Finally getting to Wilmington felt so dreamlike. I have so many fantastic pics. Some of which I shared on my fan twitter and have also seen posted and shared on Tumblr not by me but what can you do? It bothers me a bit because I wasn’t credited but I don’t have the time to look people up and as long as they don’t claim as theirs, I can deal. 

My two faves!

It’s a bit long but read on for my encounter with each cast member.

Poetry Corner: Scapegoat

I hardly know what to say
How can I explain
It makes no sense the way it is handled
Need a scapegoat, of that I'm sure
I'm so tired of the games and finger-pointing
Why should I be blamed for what was mishandled
Why do I continue with this torture
I guess I am waiting for the worst
I'm waiting to get the push I'm needing
Things need to get worse to get better
That's just the nature of life.

(written by me 6/29/16)

Musical Obsession: May/June

I am back this month with some new obsessions. This is the music I find myself constantly listening to this past couple months. And like last time I will include videos if available.

1. The Veronicas - In My Blood (Single)

It's no secret that other than Kelly Clarkson, The Veronicas are my everything. I have been a huge fan of theirs since I first heard their first single 4ever back in 2006. Jess and Lisa are my favorite Aussie babes. When they announced they were releasing a new single this year I couldn't have been more excited. Everything these beautiful ladies release is always magnificent as far as I'm concerned. They never fail to disappoint me. And when I finally heard In My Blood they once again blew me away. My favorite thing about The Veronicas is how they never stick to the same sound. They like to mix it up and give something different with each record and that's certainly true with In My Blood. I literally listen to it repeatedly every day since it came out. It's just that good. I can't wait for the new album. Check it out.


2. Tori Kelly - Unbreakable Smile

Back in March one of the songs I was obsessed with was Tori's song Hollow. I found myself buying her full album and loving the heck out of it. There's so many fantastic tracks and Tori's voice just slays every single one. The range this girl has is incredible. I have become such a big fan of her music. While I love all of the songs on the album I do have my favorites. The first being her Ed Sheeran duet I Was Made For Loving You. You honestly can't go wrong with and Ed Sheeran duet. I really believe that. I've loved everyone that's come out. I even liked the Bieber one and I am not a Bieber fan. Other favorites include First Heartbreak, Falling Slow, Anyway, Funny (Live), and Art of Letting You Go. It's a great album overall and I can't wait to hear more from her. She is an amazing talent.


3. Justin Timberlake - Can't Stop The Feeling! (Single)

First off let me start by saying that I have been a fan of Justin when he was first in the group NSYNC and I heard of them in middle school back in 97/98. I may be hinting at my age now but that is over 18 years of being a fan. How girls today react to One Direction  and have their favorite member is how I was with NSYNC. Granted a more toned down and tame obsession compared to how these girls are now but obsessed nonetheless. While I loved all the guys Justin was always my favorite. So as an avid Justin fan I have followed his career and loved everything he has put out. So it comes as no surprise that I am a big fan of his current single Can't Stop The Feeling!. It's a single off of the soundtrack for the upcoming film Trolls in which JT plays a part. It's such a fun upbeat track that just makes me want to dance every time I hear it. It's the perfect song when you need a mood pick-me-up. Highly recommend it.


4. Prince Fox Feat. Hailee Steinfeld - Fragile (Single)

So since I first saw her in Pitch Perfect 2, I was intrigued by Hailee Steinfeld. It was announced after the film came out that she signed a record deal and I began hearing her more and more. Her version of Flashlight from the movie is my favorite. Then slowly she began releasing music. But some of favorites from her are her collaborations. One such favorite is her acoustic duet with Shawn Mendes on his song Stitches. So when I saw there was a new collab song called Fragile with Prince Fox I just had to hear. I have never heard of Prince Fox before so I wasn't sure what kind of music to expect. But I was pleasantly surprised. It's a really good song. I may at some point check out some of Prince Fox's other stuff but for now I am happy to just enjoy this one song with Hailee. I love everything about it. Her voice, the melody, it's all good and I think more people should hear it.

So those are my picks for the music I've been obsessed with the last couple months. I really recommend a listen even if just a moment. You never know what you might like until you try it.

Until next time. Peace, Love, and Hugs!

And The Devastation Continues

What can I even say? Is there anything that can even be said? There is such a divide in this country that I honestly am in fear of it. The hate is prevalent and it scares me that it is actually winning. The extremities that people will take horrifies me. There is no denying that there is a huge problem in this country. Change needs to be made, but who is actually listening? The people who we have as 'leaders' don't really seem to be doing much. Supposedly they are listening but they all have their own agendas and make it hard to believe that they are thinking in every citizens' best interest. I'm losing faith and I'm losing it fast. Every week, every day there's another senseless tragedy. What is happening to this world, this country? What will it take for things to really change and become better. What more can we take? I don't even know what to say anymore. I'm at a loss.

Poetry Corner: For The Moment

The frustration, the anger when will it stop?
The mind games, the lies need to end
My patience is wearing thin trying to deal with what I got
Enough is enough, how much am I to bend?
I can't deal with the stupidity
Everything is so underhanded and self-serving
I'm suffocating from all the hypocrisy
The positions held by some is not deserving
My body trembles with disgust
Screaming internally, when is it enough?
What am I expected to do?
What is expected of me I have no clue
So much vagueness not enough clarity
The confusion just consumes me
I've lost all respect for me
For the moment I guess this is how it will continue to be

(written by me 6/15/16)

What Is This World Coming To?!

The last couple of days I have been trying to process my thoughts and feelings over the tragedies that occurred over the weekend. I have stayed silent and just followed the reports and read everything that people were sharing on their socials. As I did that the tears and heartbreak could not be held back. All I could think is 'Why?'. Even now, all my thoughts are scrambled as I write this while I try to make sense of it all. The thing is, it will never make sense. This whole thing is senseless.

First we have a beautiful young woman, Christina Grimmie, who was living her dream of performing for people, taken from the world far too early because of some demented person who decided for some god awful reason, that I don't think anyone will ever truly know, to shoot her as she held a meet and greet in Orlando. Then like a coward shot and killed himself. Did he intend to further injure others before Christina's brother tackled him? Who knows? The amount of weapons he was carrying would make you think so. Then the very next night, in the same city, we have the most horrifying mass shooting in American History at Pulse, a gay nightclub. 49 innocent lives were taken because some sick bastard had so much hate in his heart he felt the need to perform this monstrous act. There is no good reason, there is no justification.

What is this world coming to? I am so tired of hearing about all of these tragedies. How can we be a proud country with so much hate and malicious intentions? If everyone would just take a moment to understand each other. Understand that all we want to do is live our lives freely and happily. Understand that not everyone is going to be the same. Understand that our differences is what makes us beautiful, makes us interesting. That as long as we are living in a way that poses no harm to others, then it should be okay. It is disturbing to think that there are people out there who think they have the right to just take someone's life just because they don't agree with the way you choose to live your life.

It would be nice if everyone would just remember that we are all human beings and treat each other as such. Nothing pisses me off more than people thinking that they are superior to others. To all those intolerant, ignorant, bigoted, racist assholes: You are not better than me or anyone who is different from you. Inside we are all the same. We bleed red, we have the same organs, we are HUMAN! Why is it okay to strip the rights of other human beings? To take their lives? I don't give a damn whether you agree or not about how another lives their life. Who are you to dictate? Why waste your time worrying about how I or others live our lives. Worry about yours. If your reasoning is because of GOD, you still have no leg to stand on. Only GOD can judge me. You do not get to speak for GOD and tell others how they are supposed to be. YOU ARE NOT GOD!!  If when I die and GOD decides I am not worthy of his glorious heaven then that is on me. Not you! Life would be so much simpler and more civil towards others if we stopped worrying about how other people live and only focus on us!

I read from many different people that they believe this attack was an attack on humanity. And you know what? I couldn't agree more. When I look at these victims I don't see race, sexuality, religious belief, or gender. I see human beings senselessly taken from this earth from monstrous cowards. The current state of this world is frightening if you let it continue this way. We have to continue to fight for change. We have to stop this madness. I sincerely hope something changes. I'm not foolish to believe it will be sometime soon as much as I want it to, but I hope at some point in this lifetime. I hope and pray for a difference to be made.

Poetry Corner: The Light Is Not Far From Me

So often I'm surrounded by the dark
It's so hard to not succumb to it
But I fight and fight to overcome it
But if I look hard enough there is a speck of light
I've realized the light is not far from me
I don't have to give in to the darkness
I don't have to give in to the negative
I may not often see it, but the light is there
There's always hope to be had
There's always a place for faith in the positive
So tired of letting the negativity win
So tired of jst giving up and giving in
That positive light is always there for me
The warmth of acceptance is not far from me
So often I must remind myself the light is not far from me

(Written by me 5/25/16)

Artist Spotlight: Bethany Joy Lenz

So it was about time I shed some light and talk about a woman I have admired for quite a number of years now, thanks in part to One Tree Hill. And that just happens to be Bethany Joy Lenz,(who has also been credited as Joie Lenz and when she was married Bethany Joy Galeotti). I don't think I'll be able to say enough good things about this woman. Joy is one of those people that is good at everything she does. At least I believe so. She is one extremely multi-talented person. She acts, she's a director, she sings, she writes poems and music, she plays instruments, and she is so good at all of it. I am in awe of her creativity. Add the fact that she's also a philanthropist, and most importantly, an amazing mother to her daughter Maria. Did I mention she's also breathtakingly beautiful? Because she is.

I first became a fan of Joy after watching an episode of One Tree Hill back in 2005. It was episode 13 of season 2. It was the first episode I had seen of the series and I immediately loved her character Haley. Without having any prior knowledge about the character and her backstory I was intrigued by the situation of the episode and I was in awe by the emotions she played and the decisions her character faced. By the end of the episode I was hooked on the show and I needed to know more about the character. From then on I was a dedicated fan and viewer of both the show and Joy. It didn't take me long to catch up on the series and to find out more about Joy.

Poetry Corner: Insanity

It's always the same, it'll never change

You're always driving me insane

Day and night or in between

It's always the same old scene

Can never go away and stop the talking

I'm about to get fed up and start walking

Why can't you just stay away from me?

You're driving me into insanity

Always taking things over the top

I really wish you would shut up and stop

What you have to say I'll admit I don't care

As far as you're concerned I'd rather be far from here

I wanna go away and leave you behind

That way I'll restore what's left of my peace of mind

At this point you've lost all of my respect

After all this, what else would you expect?

If I could go I would live in another world

Can't you get it through your thick head; I'm not a little girl

At my age you should know I'm extremely mature

But since you don't get it you cause a civil war

The arguing, the screaming, the yelling it's not for me

That's why you're driving me into insanity

Don't you understand I'm tired of it?

Though the only way to insult you is in secret

But what I want is to scream in your face

Damn, I can't wait to get out of this place.

(Written by me sometime in 2002/2003)

My New TV Show Obsessions

Okay, so in the last few weeks I have been sucked into the Chicago universe and when I say Chicago universe I am referring to NBC's  Chicago shows, specifically Chicago PD and Chicago Fire. I am obsessed with those two shows now. More so Chicago Fire than PD if I'm being completely honest, but not by much. Some background on the shows:

Chicago P.D. -  District 21 of the Chicago Police Department is composed of the uniformed cops, who deal with street crimes, and the Intelligence Unit, which deals with major crimes like drug trafficking and high-profile murders. Sgt. Hank Voight -- a tough boss who doesn't mind bending the rules a little in the pursuit of justice -- heads the unit's elite team. The responsibilities of life on the force take a toll on the officers, as they struggle to balance their personal lives with the strain of the job.

Chicago Fire - The firefighters, Rescue Squad members and paramedics of Chicago Firehouse 51 are deeply committed to their rewarding and exhilarating jobs, despite the inherent danger and stressors. The truck company is led by Lt. Matthew Casey, who sometimes butts head with the leader of the Rescue Squad, the brash Lt. Kelly Severide. Regardless of personal tension, when it's time to face the job, all the courageous team members quickly put their issues aside and their lives on the line.

Poetry Corner: Isolation

Isolation, it's what I want now
People around me just cause anxiety
The butterflies flutter, my nerves escalate
My room is my safe haven, my sanctuary
I want to runaway but can't figure out how
I sometimes feel I'm losing grip of my sanity
Overcome with all these feelings I hate
I long for that sense of normalcy
Is it coming for me, will time allow
Is normalcy anywhere in the cards for me
Sometimes I feel good things aren't things I should anticipate

(Written by me 04/18/16)

When You Want To Hide From the World...

I actually got out and enjoyed the sun
over the weekend.

Okay, so as you probably already knew, I have been MIA the last couple of weeks. I apologize for that, but I have been having a tough time lately. I have been feeling very overwhelmed and when I do I tend to get in avoidance mode. I can't pin-point what triggered it but my depression and anxiety really got the best of me and I just wanted nothing to do with anything or anyone beyond the four walls of my room. I didn't want to deal with social media, I didn't want to go anywhere that required me dealing with people beyond going to work (obviously couldn't avoid that even though I really wanted to), I didn't want to talk on the phone, I didn't want to speak with anyone in any form. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to be left alone and undisturbed.

I felt playful with Snapchat.

It's not anyone's fault really. It's all mine. It's been difficult for me. And I can't help but feel bad leaving people hanging when I just in a sense "disappear". I know and have come to know some really great people and I feel terrible just seemingly ignoring people, but I can't help it sometimes. It takes energy I feel I don't have. It takes such an effort to just get up in the mornings for work, just thinking about keeping up with conversations has me all anxious. It's a comfort to me to just get home, change into my PJs and sleep. I have slept so much in the last two weeks it's ridiculous.

But now it's time to stop hiding from the world. It's time to open up and enjoy things again. My sister got me to go out to dinner and my best friend convinced me to tag along with her to a baby shower this past weekend. I don't know if any of you know or have experienced what I'm talking about but while those seem like simple enough tasks it was quite an effort on my part. I was feeling quite nervous and anxious but I was determined to make the best of it. And I gotta say I did enjoy myself in the end and realized it was gonna be okay.

Again I'm sorry for being gone so long. Some may not care, but I still felt the need to explain. I know I can be unreliable but when I get that way I can't help myself. So in saying that, I will slowly be getting back into my social media accounts. I'm sure I have missed a lot, but I get caught up. Hope I haven't lost too many of you. :)

Musical Obsession: March

I am back this month with some new obsessions. This is the music I find myself constantly listening to this month. As well I decided to change things up and include videos if available.

1. Kelly Clarkson - Piece By Piece (Idol Version)

Back in August 1st, 2015 I attended Kelly Clarkson's Piece By Piece Tour concert in Chicago. When Kelly performed Piece By Piece, she performed this stripped down piano version. I literally cried as I sang along watching her. I fell in love with that version. From that moment I wanted that version on my iPod. Cut to a few months later and Kelly is on Idol singing the same stripped down version in probably one of the most emotion-filled, gut-wrenching, heart-piercing performances I've ever seen her do. I was in tears within the first few seconds. And if you saw it, everyone else had tears as well. Everyone was just enthralled in that powerfully perfect performance. And seeing Kelly become so vulnerable she had to pause made the song that much more perfect to me because it was so real what she was singing. I can go on about the story behind the song but I'll leave that for another time. Anyway after the strong response of that appearance, Kelly announced she was releasing that version. I couldn't have been more ecstatic. I was finally getting an official recording of the version I'd been wanting since August. Every time I listen to it, I can't help but get teary-eyed. The emotion in her voice punches you in the gut. It's a must-listen.

Here is her American Idol performance:

2. Adele - 25

So sure Adele released this album back in November. And sure I have technically been obsessed with it for awhile now, but for some reason this month I have been listening to it more than ever. This album is just amazing. Adele just never disappoints. When it comes to the songs there are a couple of songs that I do find myself listening to more often than anything else lately and that's probably why I've been listening to it more and more daily. Love In The Dark is by far my favorite track off of the album. I listen and sing that song repeatedly. Remedy would be my second fave followed by River Lea and Water Under The Bridge, then Hello. Don't get me wrong, every song on the album is fantastic. Those just happen to be the ones I gravitate to when it comes to me wanting to sing along and repeat. But overall everyone needs to listen to this amazing talent. 

3. Little Mix - Get Weird (Deluxe Edition)

About two years ago, on one of my YouTube binges I came across Little Mix's music video for Salute. From there I continued to watch more of their videos and loved their sound. Little Mix consists of Jade Thirlwall, Perrie Edwards, Leigh-Anne Pinnock, and Jesy Nelson. A few months ago they released their third studio album Get Weird. This past month, like Adele's album, I found myself constantly listening to this album mostly for their most recent single with Jason Derulo Secret Love Song. I am obsessed with that song. The whole album is fun and amazing. The girls vocals are insane individually and together. They do an amazing job of showcasing that by including a couple of acapella tracks The End and The Beginning (which is only on the deluxe edition). The talent is just so flawless. There are so many good songs on this album but my faves by far are Secret Love Song (as mentioned before) with Jason Derulo, there's also Secret Love Song Part II without Jason, Grown, Lightening, Love Me or Leave Me, and I Won't. It's a fun album by a group of amazingly talented women. Check it out!

Here's an incredible live performance of Secret Love Song feta. Jason Derulo:

Special Mentions: 

Various Artists - This Is For My Girls (Single)

First and foremost this song is so damn catchy and fun. On top of that it's very important. This song has been in many articles out there being used as a "call-to-action" for around the world in suppport The White House's Let Girls Learn campaign as well as Michelle Obama's #62MillionGirls campaign, where the goal is to help young girls around the world finish their education. The song was written by acclaimed songwriter Diane Warren and includes the collaborative vocals of Kelly Rowland, Kelly Clarkson, Zendaya, Missy Elliot, Lea Michele, Janelle Monae, Jada Grace, and Chloe & Halle. It's amazing to see/hear a few of my favorites collaborate on a song for the first time. Especially a song with such an important message and goal. One of the absolutely fantastic things about this song is that all of the artists waived royalties and fees for their participation, so all of the proceeds for the purchase of the song will go to the Peace Corps Let Girls Learn Fund. SO not only do you get an amazing song, you get to help out a great cause as well.

Tori Kelly -  Hollow (Single)

So my first introduction to Tori Kelly was when she guested on Elvis Duran and The Morning Show quite a while ago. She performed her song Nobody Love and I really liked the song. I thought she had an amazing voice and couldn't wait to here more from her. Well, it wasn't until a few weeks ago that I came across her song Hollow. I first heard the song being covered by some other artist and wanted to here the original version. When I heard it was a Tori Kelly song I had to have it. I am so in love with this song, I sing it every chance I get. I know I say that a lot but it's so true here. The vocals, the arrangement, just everything about it is perfect. I just bought her album and am very eager to delve into her music. In the meantime Hollow is definitely worth listening to.

Found this flawlessly amazing acoustic version:

Madilyn Bailey - See You Again (Single)

I first discovered Madilyn Bailey via YouTube  a couple of years ago due to her cover of Titanium. I was such a huge fan of her cover of the song I subscribed to her channel right away. A few weeks back I noticed that she covered Wiz Khalifa's See You Again. This intrigued me because of the rap portion and knowing Madilyn's stuff she doesn't rap. I watched the video and was blown away by her version. The was she sang the rap verses flowed so beautifully and added a different dimension to the already emotionally-powered track. Her version is just so beautiful and love singing along. She's so incredibly talented. I highly recommend everyone check out all her covers.

Here is the music video she uploaded:

So those are my picks and I would definitely recommend a listen. If it's not your thing that's fine but at least give it a try. You never know what you might enjoy until you give it a try. 

Until next time. Peace, Love, and Hugs!

Some Birthday Reflections and Acceptance

So this past Friday it was my birthday and for the first time in the last few years I wasn't dreading it. I decided that I needed to do something to actually celebrate and enjoy it. And enjoy it I did! I have my best friend Lisy to really thank for that and of course my mom. Friday was mostly a dinner and some cupcakes and time with most of my family. It was joyous and made me feel quite happy. Then Saturday the party continued due to Lisy's planning and I had an amazing time having drinks, playing games, and dancing most of the night. What better way to celebrate a birthday? It made me feel goood spending time with the people I love most.

But what makes this birthday important for me is not only that I no longer dreaded it but it brought along an acceptance that no matter how old I get I will never really change and I will be the same girl who likes to stay home, play video games, write stories, binge watch my favorite shows and fan girl over my faves with no shame at all. Why should I be ashamed? I always joke that I don't adult well. Disregard the bad grammar there but it makes sense. I work, pay my bills, enjoy having drinks, and other adult perks.

But I also really enjoy playing my Xbox and goofing off on GTA Online, fangirling over my favorite actresses, singers and shows, and buying collectibles which others would probably call toys. They're not toys. I don't play with them, they get displayed. And you know what I'm not ashamed of that. Right now I want to figure out a way to go to a One Tree Hill convention because I fucking love that show and want to meet my fave stars who made it special to me. Bethany Joy Lenz mostly because she is my fave actress and Haley is my fave character. And James Lafferty for being the second half of my OTP Naley. Anyway, the point being that being an adult to me is getting to enjoy life the way you want it (not in an illegal way mind you) without anyone telling you no. As long as it doesn't get in the way of my responsibilities who cares how I spend my free time.

So my birthday this year really I actually felt confident in my age. I'm still single, no kids, and I hope one day it will happen, but until then I am happy doing what I want, how I want it with no worries or shame for it. Do I sometimes feel like I should grow up a bit more. Sure, but I am pretty damn mature when I need to be and need to let loose to get rid of the stress of my responsibilities. It's just how I am and I'm okay with that. Now if I could work on my self-confidence and self-esteem I will truly reach complete happiness in myself.

Until next time.