My Everyday Truth

Allow me to be blunt, I am not a happy person. I haven't been a happy person for the last eight years. I act happy sometimes. I try to be happy. It doesn't always work out. I've given into the fact that I probably won't be truthfully happy. I just live my life day-to-day. I find that this may confuse people since most of the time in front of people I seem okay. In reality I'm just a series of moods that go from one extreme to the other. I never know what mood I'll be in most of the time. Some days I'm in a content mood and other days I'm just irrationally angry or sad.

My Love of Zombies and Intrigue for Other Horror :)

So since it's October and Halloween is just around the corner I started thinking about some of the horror stuff I enjoy. I make no claim at being a horror buff. I'm far from it, but I've learned to appreciate it. Horror movies and other mediums are the only things I really get a kick out of and tolerate about Halloween. Other than that I don't care much about the holiday. Not to say I don't enjoy the stuff all year round but everyone knows that we get a lot during October. First let me state that two horror genres I don't care for are hauntings and torture stuff. I can't stand it. I like movies with more fantastical themes and villains. None more so than zombies.

Poetry Corner: Unexpected Happiness

It’s a wonder how much better you make me

How much of my sanity relies on you

It’s crazy how you hold the key to make me happy

Every day with you makes me feel renewed

Never imagined that to me this would happen

I feel such a renewed sensation

I can only hope that for me this never ends

I’m overcome with unstoppable motivation

The excitement, the happiness has me energized

I hardly know what to do with myself

Every part of me feels so revitalized

This joyousness is not something I’ve often felt

This smile that’s found permanence on my face

The giddiness I feel whenever you’re close

I hope I never leave the comfort of this place

Why this happened only my heart knows

(Written by me 9/21/12)

Finding Solace

Lately I've been feeling down and needing to find solace. Somewhere i can lose myself and get all those negative feelings out. Writing and music has always been a source for me. It's where I can express my feelings no-holds-barred. There's nothing like putting pen to paper, or  most of the time fingers to keys, and getting things out of your head in a written rant. Whether it makes sense or not doesn't matter. I'm not even sure if what I'm writing out right now is making sense. But again who cares? It doesn't matter. What matters is getting all those things that are bothering you off your chest in some way. And if not in writing another fantastic way is picking out the best song that reflects your current mood and just singing your heart out along to it. I can't begin to tell you how many songs have been helpful to me.  Music has always been my main source of solace but suddenly writing has begun to fill that role as well.

I've looked back to previous posts and found that most of the things I've written have been sad. Thinking back to when I wrote those things I found myself less burdened. It's a great feeling getting rid of that weight on your mind. I've even gotten back into writing my poetry. I used to write those all the time and never felt as freeing as  I do now. I think it also helps with perspective.Maybe looking back at past things I've written will help me feel better in some way. Like it I feel like it's a bad day, I can look back and realize that it's not as bad as it was that last time. There's just so many ways it helps. I make it a point to have pen and paper near me at all times. You never know when those feelings will attack.

As for music, I have a specific playlist that I have created for my moods. I have one for when I feel my saddest and then I had one for when I was angry. There is something so therapeutic about singing out your feelings at the top of your lungs. Sometimes you just really need to scream out your emotions and music helps with that. It definitely does for me. I'm a lover of music ad never go anywhere without my iPod. Most of the times I'm so emotional my brain just can't form the words I want to express but I can find a song that easily does. I can tell you now that Kelly Clarkson's album My December is a prime example of that.

Music and writing is my solace.

Poetry Corner: Guarded Heart

My heart has been torn countless times

My strength is all that keeps me alive

I mostly hide myself behind a thick wall

Guarding myself because I’m so afraid to fall

People ask why I’m always so guarded

I say it’s better than being broken-hearted

The tears that used to fall are now completely dry

The feeling of sorrow will no longer shine in my eyes

From now on, I’m the only one I can count on

It no longer hurts when someone is gone

It may seem self-destructive and make me seem cold

But in order to not hurt again I have to be bold

I’m not sure if true love for me exists

If I stick to that belief, it’ll be easy to resist

After all my heartbreak I’ve come to a sad conclusion

Maybe love is just a foolish illusion

I don’t long for kisses or anyone’s touch

‘Cause with it comes pain that hurts too damn much

I’ve come to accept to not fear being alone

I’m no longer afraid of being on my own

I used to think only with my heart

But that was before it was brutally torn apart

I felt so disillusioned that I thought it would never end

It felt like it took forever for my heart to mend

I’ve finally found the peace that I would always seek

No longer do I walk around looking and feeling so weak

I’ve overcome all the pain I could no longer bare

I’ve realized I’m the only one who’ll ever really care

Lately I find myself pushing people away

I no longer listen to what they have to say

With everyone I'll live civilly and always do my part

But to protect myself from pain I will always have a guarded heart

(Written by me 11/08/05)